Worry

We're back at school tomorrow, after what has been a far less successful half term than I thought it would be. I used to think that being on holiday made for an easy fast, but this week I spent all my time around other people. Usually I have a day or two where I do more or less nothing, and just relax, but this half term was busy busy busy.

Not that that's a bad thing - despite feeling guilty about how much I think I've eaten, I've had a great time this week with friends. I invited a group of people round for the night on Thursday, kind of an early birthday celebration, and I've been out shopping a few times this week. I also had my hair cut much shorter on Thursday - it was past my shoulders before, but now it's a long bob, I love it. Yesterday I went into town and dropped off a bunch of CVs in shops, as I can get a part time job in a few weeks seeing as I'll be 16. Nothing good came up but fingers crossed! :)

I'm choosing to blog now rather than later tonight because as usual I've left all my holiday work until the last minute, so I'll be having a normal Sunday night cramming session tonight, heh. It means so much to me that you still comment on my ramblings despite my not having time to return all your comments this week! Hope you all have had a nice week, too.
Sending you skinnies xx

Boost

Thank you for all your lovely comments on my last post! You girls help keep my head above water. ♥

One of the comments, from Ayden, asked for tips on how to stay in control and stop yourself from binging. As you can tell from my last post, I haven't exactly been the model for control lately, haha, but normally I have quite strong self control. It reminded me of a comment from a while ago from Olivia Lee - she liked the idea that I normally include something sweet in amongst otherwise usually healthy food. I never actually thought of that before, it was just something I did subconsciously, but it does stop craving and works especially if it's something low-calorie, like a cereal bar. Apart from that, I normally brush my teeth to stop hunger, or find a distraction, like a DVD or some homework you could work on. Looking at thinspiration in magazines and online is a great self-belief booster. :)

Today my mum and I went prom dress shopping. It was so much fun! The girls in there were so sweet and helpful, we spent two hours in there without even noticing. I was worried before we went as it was unplanned; as I didn't have the greatest weekend I thought my sizing might have been slightly off, but the dress I ended up buying - which is super gorgeous, I love it! - has a corset back, so my weight could fluctuate either way and it wouldn't make a huge difference. There was another dress in there that I really loved, but it was already slightly too big and if I lost weight (which I will do before my prom) it would be huge.
I was in such a thrilled mood when I left that shop. Not only did I order my dress - I couldn't get it right there because I only fit the sample size UK 6 - but two of the assistants said I was tiny, and a couple of women in there with their daughters said I looked gorgeous and skinny. This never happens to me so I was ecstatic, haha. My work's paying off!
I'm usually such a quiet person that I more or less blend into the background, so I was kind of embarrassed by all the attention, but inside I was dancing. I take my victories where I find them. :)

Think thin! x

Realization

I've had a horrible few days. Horrible, horrible, horrible.

I binged like there was no tomorrow, honestly. I feel so disgusting and full of junk that I can't even stand it. I think I gained a couple of pounds but I don't want to step onto the scales, there's going to be some awful number there that's going to make me cry.

Yesterday was a bit of a turn around, I was shopping - therefore walking around, albeit slowly - for 6 hours, so hopefully that burned off some calories. I'm going to a concert tonight and I've only eaten about 400 calories so far today, and I'm guessing I'll burn around 500/600 calories tonight so hopefully it'll improve my average intake for this week, even though it's pretty much dead.

I just haven't had the motivation to blog. My dad's been completely awful to my mum, he made her cry one night over the phone and he didn't even feel badly about it. I felt like slapping him. Apart from that I was so ashamed of how badly I ate this weekend especially.

That is NEVER going to happen again, EVER. Losing control isn't worth it. While it happens it just snowballs, and you're so weak you don't even know how to stop.
I started making a book of thinspiration on Saturday. I've got about 20 A5 pages so far, pictures taken out of fashion magazines mostly, and it's just there to remind me to stay in control when I don't have my computer in front of me.
I'm just worried I won't hit my goal of double figures by my birthday, which is in 2 weeks.

I hope all you girls have done better than I have. Sending you skinnies. x

Mediocrity

I thought I'd done pretty well today, and I suppose I still have had a good day. I was at 331 calories before, and I got to completely skip dinner seeing as my mom was out all night. Because of that I brought a couple of CDs downstairs and danced crazy for half an hour - and I mean crazy, haha. I'll hazard a guess at 150 calories burned.
I was really hungry after that, around 7pm, so I ate a banana to hold me over, around 110 calories. I was fine after that but then when I was putting away my hair straighteners about 9:30pm I found some Jaffa Cakes I took out of my lunch a few days ago, and I just all of a sudden got really hungry so I ate them. :(

I felt really weak after that. My net intake for today is still around 417 so I haven't ruined it that much, haha.

I've been completely swamped tonight with homework - maths, RE and studying for a French exam tomorrow - so I'm sorry I haven't commented on as many blogs as usual! Hope you're all doing great. xx

Thrill

Great day today! It was gym day at school so as soon as I could I got on the cardio machines. :) There are way too many people in my class, it restricts how much time you get actually working out, but altogether using weights, the treadmill and the elliptical I burned 182 calories, which I think is pretty good for half an hour in a busy fitness suite.
I walk so much every day, haha, it's half a mile to my bus stop (x2 for the full day, then), then about another half mile total walking to my school and back from the bus stop, plus extra walking around during the day. That's probably like an extra 200 calories a day. Yay!

Intake so far today then is cereal (171), half a sandwich (140), an apple (55), grapes (40) and a KitKat (107). Altogether that's 513, minus my exercise which is a net intake of 331! If my dad doesn't visit tonight I'll be able to skip dinner, and I'll try my absolute hardest not to eat anything. You girls all inspire me with your comments. :)
I also weighed myself just now, and I've lost another pound - my BMI is now 17.46 and I'm 102 pounds. Psyched that I'm only another pound away from my lowest weight!

Next week is half term, which means with a bit of luck I'll be able to try my first fast. It might be a liquid fast but I definitely want to give it a go, I never have the opportunity at school when I'm surrounded by people.

Stay strong. xx

Improve

20 followers in 10 days! You girls all are too sweet, thank you. ♥

Dinner was... manageable, haha. I loaded up on veggies, eating broccoli and mixed veg, which were altogether about 50 calories? (I read that a 30g serving of broccoli is only 7 calories, is that true?!) In total dinner was around 400 calories, kind of disappointing but I walked extra today (even though I usually walk for probably about 2-3 miles a day anyway) and played outside for 20 minutes with my brother which was pretty tiring, so maybe I didn't do so badly? Fingers crossed. :)

I'm fed up of always being disappointed with my totals, and panicking about what dinner will do to my net intake, so I'm going to try and cut down majorly during the day. I'm thinking about changing my usual 170 calorie breakfast of cereal to fruit, which is lower in calories and is quicker to digest. All I then need to eat at lunch is a quick snack, then I feel quite full, and afterwards I only have dinner to worry about!

I think a group of friends and I are going shopping sometime this week, so when I'm in town I'm going to look for some kind of breakfast smoothie - do you have any suggestions? One that's low calorie but something that would hold me over until lunch, maybe.

Hope everyone's week is going good so far. Think thin! xx

(isn't that picture strangely inspirational?)

Potential

Today has been a good day so far, considering I was at school. I've eaten just under 700 calories so far. My dad's making us all sit down for dinner though, unfortunately, so I have a horrible feeling my total for today is about to be ruined.
I got off the bus from school two stops early, though, so I walked for an extra 15 minutes which is about ___ calories. Trying to be optimistic!

I'll update tonight with a bit of luck. Stay strong! xx

Success

This morning I woke up and checked my email on my phone, as always, but today I couldn't believe it when I saw I had 7 comments and 5 new followers overnight! Such a boost to see that, thank you so much. ♥

Despite being so happy to see so many inspirational words left on my last post, I left the house dreading school as always - not because I hate the lessons or anything, although I won't say I never wish I could just get rid of half of them, haha. It's more because I'm so pressured to eat. Every morning I eat breakfast around 7:30am, and I don't physically feel hungry most of the day but my stomach gives me away and starts making noises around 12pm. Lunch break is at 12:30pm, and I always sit with my friends, and they would definitely notice if I didn't eat. So no matter how much I feel like fasting I have no choice.

Today though I changed my routine, and went outside of school into town to eat, with a different group of people. I'm glad to say I'm actually proud of what I ate - or rather, didn't eat! I didn't eat my sandwich - which is so high in calories, it kills my daily routine - but instead bought some orange juice (around 120 calories worth), and ate the apple and KitKat I brought with me.
Including my cereal this morning, altogether I've eaten around 600 calories today, I think. When I got home today I was just craving the taste of something sweet, so I ate a yoghurt (104 cals) and even though I know it's a horrible habit I chewed and spat out a Brunch Bar, accounting for a few extra calories. I could have done better but I'm swearing off dinner tonight - somehow, I'll get out of it.

Hope you've all had a lovely Valentine's Day! Think thin. xx

Hope

Today was just one of those days.
You know when you wake up in a generally bad mood, then throughout the day every little thing bugs you, and you either feel like bursting into tears or screaming into a pillow? I was basically on my last nerve all this morning and this afternoon. Even tiny insignificant things were threatening to make me break down into tears, and to be honest all I felt like doing was curling up in foetal position on my bed and just being alone.

Despite that my mom and I went out shopping for an hour or two. It was a bit disappointing, I didn't see much I really wanted to buy, until I went into Topshop where of course I wanted everything, haha. I took into the changing rooms a couple of sizes of these brown jeans I've wanted for ever, thinking I'd treat myself as they were pretty expensive.
Everything more or less went downhill from there. I usually fit a UK size 8 (US size 4), but the 8s in the brown jeans made my thighs look absolutely huge, I could have cried. The 10s weren't much better, they were big enough but completely the wrong fit for my shape. I would have been upset anyway but I think today was my definite low point for the time of the month, heh.

Food wise... don't even go there. I've definitely got my 5 a day, anyway - broccoli, peas, cabbage and carrots in my lunch and a banana and orange juice later on. Add to that cereal, two potatoes, a Yorkshire pudding, some chicken, some Haribo sweets and what I'm pretty sure was about a kilo of chocolate and you have around a million calories. *facepalm*
I managed to get out of dinner though, I just told my mom I felt like eating a lot of chocolate and she surprisingly relented, haha. I'm going to try to not eat dinner for the rest of the week and see what kind of results I get.

What are your plans for Valentine's Day tomorrow? I personally haven't got anything lined up this year, but I hope you all have a great day. Sending you all skinnies, thank you for following and all your sweet comments. xx

If only

I could have done so much better today if my dad hadn't come over.
He insists on having us all sit down and eat something, and today he made some sort of curry. I would have gone the rest of the day without eating if I hadn't had to eat that - I like to think, heh.

Calories for today;
Cereal - 150
Snacks - 80
Baked beans - 184
Curry - 500
Total - 914
- 260 burned in exercise
net intake - 654

I want to try and eat more fruit tomorrow. Not that I'll have many calories left, I have Sunday roast tomorrow which is always a problem getting around. :/

I can't wait for this time next week. Half term starts a week on Monday, and it's so much easier not to eat during the holidays - not to mention I really need a break from school!

Thank you to all my beautiful followers, you are so inspirational! Sending you skinnies xx

Results

I'm making up for what I thought was a huge binge last night - it didn't have as huge an effect as I thought it would. On the Wii Fit today it said I was 103lbs! I'm really pleased seeing as I'm usually a couple of pounds heavier around my p.
Anyway, I'm on track to going back to my lowest weight, which was 101 pounds a year or two ago. I went up to my highest weight in April last year and I haven't lost enough since then so I'm trying to improve, partly by having this blog. :)

So far today I've eaten 150 calories in cereal and when my dad came up for about 20 minutes - who is really suspicious about what I weigh - I had to eat about 80 calories in snacks to throw him off. Altogether that's about 230 calories.
In exercise though I've done about an hour on the Wii Fit - 10 minutes jogging (2.5km, ~100cals), 10 minutes step up (~60cals), 10 minutes yoga (~40cals) and about 25 minutes in other aerobics/balance exercises (~60cals). That's 260 calories and a negative of 30 calories altogether!

On such a high because of that. I'll skip lunch and go do some more exercise to try and stay as near to 0 as possible. I think I might dance to some music, vigorous dancing burns 400 calories an hour!

Lady Gaga's new song Born This Way is really catchy, I'll start with that as well as some Gaga thinspo. :)

Hope you're all having a nice weekend. xx

Optimism

I want to say thank you to everyone who is following me, I've now got 7 followers in 6 days. It means a lot that someone is actually reading my little old blog! :)

Today hasn't been great, food-wise. I was fine all day eating my usual small breakfast and lunch, but when I got home my mum had this whole Friday night thing planned out, seeing as neither of us had plans. It was sweet, but of course I couldn't relax because I was thinking about what I was eating the entire time. She'd prepared some little snacks and I pretty much had to eat them because I'm not entirely sure she doesn't suspect something.

Earlier this week my mum spontaneously cleaned my room, and I'm terrified in case she found the box of bagged-up food at the back of my wardrobe. I never usually leave it more than a day, and I'm pretty sure I didn't this time, either, but I can't remember if I took it out or if she found it. I desperately hope she doesn't know anything, she'll just jump to the worst conclusion and who knows what will happen.

Anyway, minus that doom and gloom and the slight binge from tonight, I'm strangely not as crazed about what I've had today. I have the weekend to recover and I'm hopefully going out tomorrow so I can eat nothing and walk off a few hundred calories.

Think thin. xx

Repulsion

I'm a horrible, horrible person.

I hid the entire contents of my dinner apart from a mouthful of peas in my wardrobe, then I notice my mom has taken my grandma home. I have the house to myself and in a weak moment I go downstairs and think, oh, a couple of chocolate buttons couldn't hurt. And then another couple, and another. Before I know it I've eaten two handfuls and feel absolutely disgusting.

It's no surprise I'm so huge.
I hate how I look.
The fat's practically rolling off my thighs.

I'm just going to go in the shower so no one can hear me cry.

Panic

My grandma is here tonight because my mom is at work. I would be allowed to be home alone but my younger brother needs looking after.

Because of this I can't skip dinner. I need some kind of excuse for her to let me "eat" in my room again. I always feel so horrible and selfish but I feel so so much worse when I've eaten a full meal and can't do anything about it.

Well... that's not strictly true, but I can't purge, I tried once and I hated it. It's better (for me, anyway) to just not eat or to chew and spit to trick my stomach into thinking there's something coming down my oesophagus.

Either way, I can't eat that food, I can't.

Calories so far today;
Cereal - 171
Ham sandwich ~ 280
Apple - 80
KitKat - 107
Banana - 100
Orange juice - 47
Snacks, etc. ~ 150
Total ~ 935
omg, I've eaten far too much today. The sandwich I eat every day is killing my diet, I have to cut down.

I was really bummed because I'd struggled to keep my weight down the past few days - I would see no reward after fasting most of the weekend - but I got my period today so I feel better. I'm usually a couple pounds heavier for two or three days beforehand, so hopefully things will be looking up next week. :)

Ignorance

I've eaten so much today. I wouldn't be surprised if I looked down at the scales tomorrow and I'd gained five pounds. I'm such a fatty.

There was some good thinspiration at Parent's Evening at school today - which went fine, my teachers had good things to say and my mom just sat there and nodded away, haha. Some of the girls are so gorgeous in my year. I look so much younger than 15 but some of them there could have passed for at least a few years older, had amazing clothes and were so so skinny. One of the girls in my year, she's about 5'7'', I think, was wearing a beautiful leopard print coat, grey jeggings and black brogues, I was so jealous. She eats like a pig, too. Hard not to hate her, isn't it? hah.

I remember hearing a conversation not so long ago - actually involving this girl - in the girls' toilets, when a group of them were talking about eating disorders. They said that bulimia was disgusting and that they could never be anorexic, and they didn't understand how people just starved themselves - it was "stupid and why don't they just eat?"
I felt like yelling in their stupid faces. Yes, because it's that easy. We can't all go out drinking, go home with friends and order a pizza, then go out and do the same a few days later and feel completely fine about it, without counting all the calories and obsessing frantically over what number the scales will show us the next day.

I wish I was one of those girls.

Guilty

If you're in the UK, you might have heard about this documentary on TV, called Child Frozen in Time.
It was about a 16 year old girl who stopped physically ageing at around 1 year old. Something in her DNA stops her developing like a normal girl.

It was so sad and heartbreaking, and made me think how lucky I am to look the way I do.

I am grateful for what I have - really. I just can't look in a mirror without seeing all the flaws and wishing desperately there was some way I could be better.

Sometimes I feel so selfish, but then I go back and look at my reflection and I can't stop. Losing weight feels better than anything else for me, and despite how sorry I am for people like the girl in the documentary, this is my life.

I am fully with you with the need to control weight, even though many people don't understand it. But be thankful for what you do have because you are beautiful.

Disappointed

We had PE at school today - we have one lesson a week, and usually I go into the gym and aim for about 200 calories in the short time I have, and bearing in mind there's usually a queue for the machines, haha. I changed and was all ready to go in and head for the treadmill, but then we were told we were playing badminton today.
Seriously, badminton. I didn't even break a sweat playing for 35 minutes, I must have burned like 5 calories if that. Kind of annoying. ¬_¬

I made up for the complete lack of exercise by ditching on my dinner though. I ate upstairs again - well, "ate". My mom made curry, which I really like so I was kind of reluctant but I tipped the entire thing into a couple of plastic bags and hid them in my wardrobe, which I'll get rid of tonight. I had a couple of bites of chicken and rice first, though. It tasted so good.

My mom was kind of suspicious at the completely clean plate - whenever I'm downstairs I can never clear my plate - so I had to snack while I was downstairs. I hate that. :(

Today;
Cereal - 171
Sandwich - 350
Half an orange - 29
KitKat - 107
Mouthful of curry ~ 30?
Nibbles from downstairs ~ 150
Orange juice - 88
Total - 925

If I eat nothing else tonight I'll be happy. I could have had about 700 if I'd managed to get into the gym, though, darn.

Hope you're all having a good week - and thank you to my new followers! x

Restricted

Being at home sucks sometimes. I don't know if it's the same for anyone else, but it's so hard to eat less when everyone around you is eating a ton, srsly.

My dad doesn't live with us but he comes over once or twice a week, and when he does he cooks. Not that my mum doesn't, but usually I can get away with saying "I'm not hungry" or eating in my room with her, but my dad insists on us all sitting at the table. Today he made Old El Paso fajitas, with chicken, sour cream dip and salad, etc. It tasted really good but I feel like I've eaten so much even though I only ate one fajita. I need to make up for it by having next to no dinner tomorrow.

Being with family means you have to eat but it also means you can't do much exercise without being quizzed. The most I can do is sit ups, press ups, etc. in my room. I really want to go jogging. I can't wait to move out, haha.

Calories for today;

Cereal - 171

Chicken sandwich ~ 350, I think

Half an orange - 29

KitKat - 107

Fajita ~ 400

Total ~ around 1050

Damn, I wanted to stay under 1000 calories every day. I'm eating nothing else til tomorrow.

Hopefully I can get some followers this week, I've been reading some really good ones. :)

think thin x

Bleed like me

Avalanche is sullen and too thin

She starves herself to rid herself of sin

And the kick is so divine when she sees bones beneath her skin

And she says, "Hey, baby, can you bleed like me?

Come on, baby, can you bleed like me?"

thank you Shirley Manson.

Working out my entire calorie total for today, assuming I won't eat anything else tonight...

Special K (with milk) - 171

Peas - 50

McDonald's medium fries - 380 *bleurgh*

Orange juice - 47

Special K cereal bar - 83

Baked beans portion - 210

Bite of chocolate cake ~ 30 (I'm guessing)

Total - 971

I stayed under 1000, which is pretty much my usual absolute limit. I feel better now.

Hope you've all had a good weekend. ♥

Regret

The plan my friends and I had to go to the cinema this afternoon completely failed. The movie was supposed to start at 3:30pm, it said so on the website, but when we got there the earliest showing of Black Swan wasn't until after 6. We couldn't agree on a movie we all wanted to see so ended up going home.
We were a bit disappointed after that but I got worse on the bus home. I fell into the trap of being with my friends and ended up eating at McDonald's. I swore I wouldn't eat there any more, I felt disgusting. I only had a medium fries, it's not like I ate an entire burger or anything, but that is still way more than I wanted to eat.

I think I'll update tonight with calories for today. It'll probably be into the six figures. I feel like I've failed completely.

Would you rather

a cookie, or this?

a slice of pizza, or this?

a quick snack before bed, or this?

Waiting

I'm lying in bed thinking about how nice it would be to eat some cereal.  Then I think about how it's been about 16 hours or more since I ate anything.  Do I really need to eat anything?  I eat breakfast out of habit more than anything else.  Cereal is one of the one foods I can eat without obsessing too much.
I really want to eat something.  But I want to stay in control more.

By some stroke of luck I've managed to get out of eating the biggest meal of my week.  Instead of having a Sunday roast with Yorkshire puddings, meat, potatoes and three veg, I'm going to the cinema this afternoon to see Black Swan.  I've wanted to see that movie for so long, I've heard really good reviews about it, but also I love going to the cinema because no one notices how much you eat.  I can get away with eating a few pieces of popcorn while everyone else assumes I'm stuffing my face like everyone else there. Win win. :)

Irritating

I caved and ate before 7pm.  Doing French and history homework is so boring, your mind wanders.  I think about food constantly anyway but when I'm doing something where I'm supposed to be concentrating it's even worse.  I only had another bowl of cereal but it's opening a gate.  Eating something always leads to eating everything.

I'm going prom dress shopping this week with my mom!  I'm so excited.  Prom's not til the end of June, though, and as I plan on being a lot lighter by then I hope I can find a dress that is just a bit too tight to kick me into motivation. :)

I don't have anorexia.

I've seen what it does to people and I know I'm not going to become like that.  I'm just staying in control of what I eat and how much I weigh.

I'm 15, 5'4'' and I weigh 104 pounds.  Sounds pretty thin but it's not.  I might weigh slightly below average but I look like I weigh so much more.  I want that to change.

It's the weekend, and I look forward to it for a different reason to most people.  Sure, there are bonuses - I get to stay in bed past my usual 7am wake up, and I get to stay up later.
More than that I love Saturday because I can eat so little and nobody even notices.  During the week I go to school, where I have to sit with my friends and put on a show of enjoying lunch.  On a Sunday I'm forced to eat this giant Sunday roast which makes me feel huge.  Today though, I ate Special K cereal for breakfast, as usual, a KitKat and half a glass of orange juice.  Altogether that's about 300 calories, and I don't plan to eat anything else until at least 7pm.

This last week I've had so much homework.  Ridiculous amounts that I've had to stay up late working for, hardly leaving my room.  One advantage of that was that I was allowed to eat dinner in my room.  All I had to do was hide a roll of small plastic bags in my room and get rid of it when no one was looking.  I felt selfish that my mom had cooked for me but the kick I got out of thinking I'd saved probably around 500 calories is pretty much worth it.

I'm looking for new people to talk to and followers on this blog all the time... feel free to follow or leave a comment or whatever, and thanks for reading my failed attempt at a blog, haha.