Wavering

Where have I been this past month?
I wish I'd gotten around to blogging more often. When I started I was blogging every day, but lately I've had so much to do that it's just not a priority. I'm going to try to change that, though; I need to manage my time better so that I don't have entire nights full of work, or lazy evenings with nothing to do.

I feel as though I'm failing at the minute. My motivation has gone, my stamina is fading and overall I'm just drowning. At school it's gotten really busy - final exams are in less than two months, and I've got a tight coursework deadline that is killing me. I can't even complain because it's my own fault I've left it this late. Not to mention the exams I did in January for science have been graded. I got an A in physics - which I expected, I never do fantastically - an A in biology, which wasn't as good as I hoped, and only a B in chemistry. When we got the results I just stayed in my seat at the back of the room and couldn't stop myself from crying, I was so disappointed. I got one mark off an A. I know that those aren't bad marks, but I didn't even get one A*, and I always tear myself to pieces when I don't get near enough to perfect.

Moving on from that, I've gained weight. For Lent I was giving up chocolate, which I thought would work because it gave me two reasons not to eat it, but then I just replaced chocolate with biscuits. I never usually ate biscuits very often, but it is really a terrible choice for me because since I started eating them I've piled the weight on, I can tell. Not that I know exactly how much I weigh because we don't have digital scales, but I feel like a fat fucking cow. I'm disgusting.

I think part of the reason I failed lately is because I didn't have this community to hold onto. I need to hold on with more than my fingernails because I'm losing. I don't want to be embarrassed to be seen in less than three layers of clothing this summer, and I have to be proud to be seen in my prom dress in June. I need to be thin.

I promise to make more time to blog and post on your blogs, you don't know how much you help me. <3

Worry

We're back at school tomorrow, after what has been a far less successful half term than I thought it would be. I used to think that being on holiday made for an easy fast, but this week I spent all my time around other people. Usually I have a day or two where I do more or less nothing, and just relax, but this half term was busy busy busy.

Not that that's a bad thing - despite feeling guilty about how much I think I've eaten, I've had a great time this week with friends. I invited a group of people round for the night on Thursday, kind of an early birthday celebration, and I've been out shopping a few times this week. I also had my hair cut much shorter on Thursday - it was past my shoulders before, but now it's a long bob, I love it. Yesterday I went into town and dropped off a bunch of CVs in shops, as I can get a part time job in a few weeks seeing as I'll be 16. Nothing good came up but fingers crossed! :)

I'm choosing to blog now rather than later tonight because as usual I've left all my holiday work until the last minute, so I'll be having a normal Sunday night cramming session tonight, heh. It means so much to me that you still comment on my ramblings despite my not having time to return all your comments this week! Hope you all have had a nice week, too.
Sending you skinnies xx

Boost

Thank you for all your lovely comments on my last post! You girls help keep my head above water. ♥

One of the comments, from Ayden, asked for tips on how to stay in control and stop yourself from binging. As you can tell from my last post, I haven't exactly been the model for control lately, haha, but normally I have quite strong self control. It reminded me of a comment from a while ago from Olivia Lee - she liked the idea that I normally include something sweet in amongst otherwise usually healthy food. I never actually thought of that before, it was just something I did subconsciously, but it does stop craving and works especially if it's something low-calorie, like a cereal bar. Apart from that, I normally brush my teeth to stop hunger, or find a distraction, like a DVD or some homework you could work on. Looking at thinspiration in magazines and online is a great self-belief booster. :)

Today my mum and I went prom dress shopping. It was so much fun! The girls in there were so sweet and helpful, we spent two hours in there without even noticing. I was worried before we went as it was unplanned; as I didn't have the greatest weekend I thought my sizing might have been slightly off, but the dress I ended up buying - which is super gorgeous, I love it! - has a corset back, so my weight could fluctuate either way and it wouldn't make a huge difference. There was another dress in there that I really loved, but it was already slightly too big and if I lost weight (which I will do before my prom) it would be huge.
I was in such a thrilled mood when I left that shop. Not only did I order my dress - I couldn't get it right there because I only fit the sample size UK 6 - but two of the assistants said I was tiny, and a couple of women in there with their daughters said I looked gorgeous and skinny. This never happens to me so I was ecstatic, haha. My work's paying off!
I'm usually such a quiet person that I more or less blend into the background, so I was kind of embarrassed by all the attention, but inside I was dancing. I take my victories where I find them. :)

Think thin! x

Realization

I've had a horrible few days. Horrible, horrible, horrible.

I binged like there was no tomorrow, honestly. I feel so disgusting and full of junk that I can't even stand it. I think I gained a couple of pounds but I don't want to step onto the scales, there's going to be some awful number there that's going to make me cry.

Yesterday was a bit of a turn around, I was shopping - therefore walking around, albeit slowly - for 6 hours, so hopefully that burned off some calories. I'm going to a concert tonight and I've only eaten about 400 calories so far today, and I'm guessing I'll burn around 500/600 calories tonight so hopefully it'll improve my average intake for this week, even though it's pretty much dead.

I just haven't had the motivation to blog. My dad's been completely awful to my mum, he made her cry one night over the phone and he didn't even feel badly about it. I felt like slapping him. Apart from that I was so ashamed of how badly I ate this weekend especially.

That is NEVER going to happen again, EVER. Losing control isn't worth it. While it happens it just snowballs, and you're so weak you don't even know how to stop.
I started making a book of thinspiration on Saturday. I've got about 20 A5 pages so far, pictures taken out of fashion magazines mostly, and it's just there to remind me to stay in control when I don't have my computer in front of me.
I'm just worried I won't hit my goal of double figures by my birthday, which is in 2 weeks.

I hope all you girls have done better than I have. Sending you skinnies. x

Mediocrity

I thought I'd done pretty well today, and I suppose I still have had a good day. I was at 331 calories before, and I got to completely skip dinner seeing as my mom was out all night. Because of that I brought a couple of CDs downstairs and danced crazy for half an hour - and I mean crazy, haha. I'll hazard a guess at 150 calories burned.
I was really hungry after that, around 7pm, so I ate a banana to hold me over, around 110 calories. I was fine after that but then when I was putting away my hair straighteners about 9:30pm I found some Jaffa Cakes I took out of my lunch a few days ago, and I just all of a sudden got really hungry so I ate them. :(

I felt really weak after that. My net intake for today is still around 417 so I haven't ruined it that much, haha.

I've been completely swamped tonight with homework - maths, RE and studying for a French exam tomorrow - so I'm sorry I haven't commented on as many blogs as usual! Hope you're all doing great. xx

Thrill

Great day today! It was gym day at school so as soon as I could I got on the cardio machines. :) There are way too many people in my class, it restricts how much time you get actually working out, but altogether using weights, the treadmill and the elliptical I burned 182 calories, which I think is pretty good for half an hour in a busy fitness suite.
I walk so much every day, haha, it's half a mile to my bus stop (x2 for the full day, then), then about another half mile total walking to my school and back from the bus stop, plus extra walking around during the day. That's probably like an extra 200 calories a day. Yay!

Intake so far today then is cereal (171), half a sandwich (140), an apple (55), grapes (40) and a KitKat (107). Altogether that's 513, minus my exercise which is a net intake of 331! If my dad doesn't visit tonight I'll be able to skip dinner, and I'll try my absolute hardest not to eat anything. You girls all inspire me with your comments. :)
I also weighed myself just now, and I've lost another pound - my BMI is now 17.46 and I'm 102 pounds. Psyched that I'm only another pound away from my lowest weight!

Next week is half term, which means with a bit of luck I'll be able to try my first fast. It might be a liquid fast but I definitely want to give it a go, I never have the opportunity at school when I'm surrounded by people.

Stay strong. xx

Improve

20 followers in 10 days! You girls all are too sweet, thank you. ♥

Dinner was... manageable, haha. I loaded up on veggies, eating broccoli and mixed veg, which were altogether about 50 calories? (I read that a 30g serving of broccoli is only 7 calories, is that true?!) In total dinner was around 400 calories, kind of disappointing but I walked extra today (even though I usually walk for probably about 2-3 miles a day anyway) and played outside for 20 minutes with my brother which was pretty tiring, so maybe I didn't do so badly? Fingers crossed. :)

I'm fed up of always being disappointed with my totals, and panicking about what dinner will do to my net intake, so I'm going to try and cut down majorly during the day. I'm thinking about changing my usual 170 calorie breakfast of cereal to fruit, which is lower in calories and is quicker to digest. All I then need to eat at lunch is a quick snack, then I feel quite full, and afterwards I only have dinner to worry about!

I think a group of friends and I are going shopping sometime this week, so when I'm in town I'm going to look for some kind of breakfast smoothie - do you have any suggestions? One that's low calorie but something that would hold me over until lunch, maybe.

Hope everyone's week is going good so far. Think thin! xx

(isn't that picture strangely inspirational?)